Circle.

Three hundred and ninety five days without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Making the Circle.

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This painting marked the end of what seemed to be an era for the emotional heartache I endured. The inspiration of this was based on 'The Circle Maker' by Mark Batterson. It teaches the importance, power, and sustainability prayer provides. I resonated with this book because I had a dream die. I felt the death of hopefulness and guaranty wither away in a split second and the aftermath lingered for an unnumbered amount of days. I was in the place where I heard there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but I did not believe it to be true. Thinking back to that time in my life as I write this I feel the depression sinking into my shoulders again. This is a very sensitive and raw time that I don't share very often, but I hope it speaks light into your darkness.

The death of a dream is one of the hardest things I have ever suffered. I have carried the burden of my physical body rejecting me- my hip joints failing me since I was twenty years old. I have suffered through rejection and insecurities that debilitated my well-being. Up until this point the loss of a dream has been the most prominent of pains in my life. I believe in the future there will be different burdens and pains, but for now, for the sake of explaining the inspiration of this painting, loosing what I believed what I was promised has been by far the worst form of loss my heart endured.

Emphasis.

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The emphasis of the circle represents the end of yourself. Have you had a time where everything and everyone you have loved seemed to be gone in a flash? Or even their presence was available, but you were so withdrawn from reality and tuned into the type of darkness that you couldn't seem to be free of? For me, I lost the dream of marriage. The predictable, almost expected, next step for my life. I am not saying marriage is off the table for me, but for a year of my life I hoped and planned and loved so fully with my heart that not getting married wasn't even considered. Unfortunately, my destiny had a different plan.

I was so lost in the illusion of love that I had built for myself. There was no such thing as "working things out" with my significant other, everything was perfect. The little white house on the corner of the street, that's where we wanted to live. Never truly being financially successful? No problem. Success was all a charade and a system marketed to the ignorant, and we were not ignorant. All we needed was each other.

I knew in my heart we would never reach marriage, but I was so deep in the throws of denial I couldn't see where left or right was. Just existence in the toxicity of sacrificing who I was to serve an idol and a god. To think that I was the type of person to begin the process of rejecting my beliefs, convictions, family, and friends; to truth, even my health, all the way to my sanity- is so shocking to this day. I was entangled in the web shame, fear, and selfishness and I couldn't save myself.

The Light.

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There was a point in the valley that shifted. It wasn't in one day, but somehow I was a little bit further from the pain that chained me. I remember the days where all I could do was cry, that was the only thing that I had the physical energy to carry out. Most days I laid on my floor starring at the wall paralyzed by the space that surrounded me. But one day, I remembered thinking how I was on the floor weeping and after a little while I sat on the back porch processing. Then after a little while longer, much longer, I was able to speak of my pain without crying- this came months later. And before you know it, I was introducing myself back into community. Slowly, but surely. There were changes in my life I had to make for emotional and spiritual protection, those changes I am currently thriving in. Every single day hurt, but I was reminded that every day that passed meant one day closer to believing and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

With all of this being said, trying to explain a thirteen month- let that sink in. A three hundred and ninety five day journey of fighting a spiritual battle by myself was agonizing, but it was the three hundred and ninety five day journey where I learned how to pray. I learned how to believe with out seeing. I learned what love really is, and that love is not restricted to one person in my life. This painting is more than red acrylic with gold leaf. It is symbolic of turmoil acting as the fertilizer to fruition of the blessings I have been promised. May my journey affirm and encourage yours because you are not alone. You have so much more to dream, so much more to see, and so much more to love than where you are at now in your journey.

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A 38"x 48" canvas portraying a story that will add a meaningful purpose to your collection. If interested in purchasing, please reach out through the contact page further inquiry.